Friday, September 30, 2011

2011_06_04 Waiting

I am in a holding pattern right now, waiting to hear what happens next. I’ve done some research, and it seems there are cost assistance programs for these drugs. I had read how expensive they are and gotten myself very upset about it. Then it occurred to me to check on assistance. That was very good news. I’m sure there will be applications and hoops to jump through, but God hasn’t gotten me right here, right now, for it to fall apart over cash.

Although in my head I have no doubt at all about being healed, my flesh wants to freak out over what happens to get me there. I can type about it all day no problem, but say it out loud? My voice cracks and I tear up every time. It hits me hard when I am alone too. That’s usually only when I am in the car. Not the best place to have breakdowns. I am concerned about this journey. I am concerned that the drugs could make my bi-polar worse. I am concerned that they could make my autoimmune conditions worse. I am concerned about having to stop the drugs because of either of those issues. And yet I am not concerned about the final outcome. I will be healed.

So why would I voluntarily put such strong drugs in my body? Me – the non vaxing mom; the woman who avoids doctors as much as possible? Well, I hesitate to use the term faith healing, because I do believe that allopathic medicine has its place in this world, but I have faith that this is the right path. If we don’t treat this now, my viral load can rise and my liver damage can worsen, both of which make successful treatment less likely. There’s no “normal” for this disease. It could stay the same forever, or it can get much worse very quickly. The worst case would be cirrhosis or liver cancer. But I have already been assured that this is the path I am to take now. God put me in the right hands at the right times to get here.

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